Humphrey “The Hulkster” Squeakles, a hamster with more attitude than a cage full of ferrets, has thrown a tantrum that could shake the foundations of Nibbleton-on-the-Wold. The reason? His gym is, like, totally bogus, dude.

“This cardio stuff is harshing my mellow,” he whined, tiny paws barely turning the squeaky wheel in his cage. “A hamster can’t get ripped on this thing. I need some serious iron to bulk up, dude!”

Humphrey, the most ripped resident of Nibbleton-on-the-Wold, has become a local legend for his dedication to, like, totally shredding his physique. His daily routine involves hours of “spinning” on his squeaky wheel, which, according to him, is “totally gnarly” for cardio, but “a buzzkill” for serious gains.

“I’m all about those gains, dude,” he declared, flexing his surprisingly defined pecs. “Gotta feel the burn, get totally ripped. But I’ve hit a wall, literally. Need more equipment to, like, totally crush those goals!”

Humphrey’s demands? A miniature bench press (“for pecs of steel, dude”), tiny dumbbells (“to sculpt those bulging biceps, bro”), and a state-of-the-art hamster-sized squat rack (“for glutes of glory, man”).

“I saw this, like, totally awesome multi-gym online,” he revealed, whiskers twitching with excitement. “It’s got it all: a lat pull-down thingy, a leg press whatchamacallit, even a mini sauna for post-workout chilling. Totally radical, dude!”

Local pet shop owners are baffled. “Never had a hamster demand a squat rack,” admitted Beatrice Bottomley of “Nibbles and Squeaks Pet Supplies.” “We got wheels, tunnels, even a mini climbing frame. But a squat rack? That’s, like, totally out there, man.”

Humphrey’s owner, Agnes, is equally perplexed. “He used to be happy with his little wheel,” she sighed. “Now he’s obsessed with this ‘swole hamster’ nonsense. Keeps talking about ‘macros’ and ‘protein shakes.’ Where does he get these ideas?”

Humphrey, meanwhile, remains defiant. “Gonna stage a protest, dude,” he declared, puffing out his tiny chest. “No more cardio until I get my gains! Gonna go full beast mode, get those abs shredded. They’ll see. They’ll all see, man!”

Whether Humphrey’s demands will be met remains to be seen. But one thing’s for sure: this tiny gym rat is, like, totally harshing the mellow of the hamster fitness world, one ridiculously oversized dumbbell at a time.