The stars are aligned, the runes are cast, and the tea leaves are swirling with a distinctly morbid hue. This December, the cosmos is serving up a holiday smorgasbord of hilarious mishaps and absurd calamities, all culminating in an untimely demise. So, grab your eggnog, brace yourselves, and prepare to face your doom… with a side of morbid merriment.

Aries (March 21 – April 19): Aries, your impulsive nature will lead you to a thrilling game of “extreme caroling,” where you’ll attempt to serenade unsuspecting neighbours while balancing precariously on their chimney tops. However, a misplaced foot and a poorly executed pirouette will send you plummeting down the chimney, where you’ll land headfirst in a roaring fire, becoming an unexpected (and rather crispy) Christmas present for Santa Claus.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Taurus, your love of indulgence will lead you to consume an entire gingerbread house in one sitting. But beware, a rogue gingerbread chimney and a particularly sticky batch of icing will cause a fatal case of indigestion, leaving you slumped under the Christmas tree, a cautionary tale of festive gluttony.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Gemini, your insatiable curiosity will lead you to peek inside a mysterious Christmas present… only to discover a highly unstable experimental device that triggers a spontaneous wormhole, sucking you into a parallel dimension where Christmas is celebrated with gladiatorial combat and everyone is forced to wear elf costumes. Your screams will echo through the multiverse as you’re devoured by a giant, candy cane-wielding gingerbread man.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Cancer, your sentimental nature will lead you to watch every cheesy Christmas movie ever made, back-to-back, without blinking. But beware, the sheer volume of saccharine sentimentality will cause a fatal case of emotional overload, leaving you a blubbering mess on the living room floor, your heart exploding like a poorly-wrapped Christmas cracker.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Leo, your love of the spotlight will lead you to volunteer for the lead role in the local nativity play. But beware, a faulty angel costume and an overzealous attempt to fly will result in a catastrophic fall from the stage, leaving you a crumpled heap of tinsel and broken dreams.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo, your meticulous planning will be your downfall when your carefully crafted Christmas dinner schedule is disrupted by a rogue turkey, genetically modified to achieve sentience and a deep-seated resentment of festive culinary traditions. Your guests will be left screaming in terror as the vengeful turkey, armed with carving knives and a surprisingly good understanding of human anatomy, wreaks havoc on your dining room, leaving you a festive feast for the vengeful fowl.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Libra, your desire for harmony will be your undoing when you’re caught in the crossfire of a snowball fight between rival carol singers armed with frozen rocks and a disturbing lack of Christmas spirit. Your attempts to broker peace will be met with a barrage of icy projectiles, leaving you buried beneath a mountain of snow, a tragic victim of festive hostilities.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Scorpio, your intense nature will lead you to engage in a heated game of charades with your family. But beware, your competitive spirit and your uncanny ability to mimic obscure historical figures will result in a fatal case of overexertion, leaving you sprawled on the living room floor, your final gesture a tragically misinterpreted attempt to portray Henry VIII choking on a chicken bone.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Sagittarius, your adventurous spirit will lead you to embark on a last-minute Christmas Eve shopping spree. But beware, a rogue reindeer and a poorly secured Santa sleigh will result in a catastrophic collision, leaving you a festive pancake beneath a pile of shattered presents and disappointed children.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Capricorn, your ambitious nature will lead you to volunteer for every Christmas-related task imaginable. But beware, your overzealous commitment to festive cheer will result in a fatal case of exhaustion, leaving you slumped beneath a mountain of unwrapped presents, a martyr to the cause of holiday perfectionism.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Aquarius, your unconventional thinking will lead you to create a truly unique Christmas gift for your loved ones: a life-sized replica of yourself made entirely of Christmas lights. But beware, your artistic creation will prove to be a fatal fire hazard, leaving you a smoldering pile of festive illumination.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Pisces, your dreamy nature will lead you to fall asleep under the Christmas tree, only to be crushed by a rogue Christmas tree falling victim to gravity and a poorly secured base. Your dreams of a peaceful Christmas will be permanently extinguished, leaving you a festive pancake beneath a pile of pine needles and shattered ornaments.Sources and related content