In a tearful press conference held this morning, representatives from the National Onion Union (NOU) denounced the long-held stereotype of onions as “depressing vegetables.”

“It’s simply not fair,” sobbed Ollie Onion, the union’s spokesperson, his voice cracking with emotion. “We never set out to make people cry. It’s just our nature, our… defense mechanism. We’re not trying to ruin your day; we’re just trying to protect ourselves from hungry herbivores!”

The NOU, which represents over 10,000 onion varieties worldwide, claims that onions are being unfairly typecast as melancholy and misery-inducing.

“People associate us with tears, with sadness, with those awkward moments in cooking shows where the chef starts chopping onions and suddenly needs a tissue,” Ollie lamented. “But we’re so much more than that! We’re versatile, we’re flavourful, and frankly, most of us are quite chipper.”

The union highlighted the diversity within the onion community, showcasing a range of personalities and talents. There’s “Chuckles” the shallot, known for his witty one-liners and knack for impressions. Then there’s “Giggles” the red onion, a natural comedian with a penchant for slapstick. And let’s not forget “Sunny” the spring onion, a ray of sunshine with an infectious laugh and a talent for juggling.

“We’re not all doom and gloom,” Ollie insisted, wiping a tear (or perhaps a bit of onion juice) from his eye. “We have feelings too! We laugh, we love, we even dream… mostly of being finely diced and added to a delicious stir-fry.”

The NOU is demanding a public apology from all those who have perpetuated the “depressing vegetable” stereotype, including cookbook authors, celebrity chefs, and that one neighbour who always seems to be chopping onions at 6 am.

“It’s time to peel back the layers and see onions for who we truly are,” Ollie declared, his voice rising with passion. “We’re not just tear-jerkers; we’re complex individuals with a range of emotions and a zest for life. We deserve to be celebrated, not demonized!”

The union has launched a social media campaign with the hashtag #OnionsAreNotDepressing, encouraging people to share their favourite onion-related jokes, recipes, and heartwarming anecdotes. They’ve also announced plans for a nationwide “Onion Appreciation Day,” featuring onion-themed games, cooking demonstrations, and a “Tears of Joy” onion-eating contest.

“We’re hoping to change the public’s perception of onions,” Ollie explained, a glimmer of hope shining through his tear-filled eyes. “We want people to see us as the versatile, flavourful, and frankly, hilarious vegetables that we are.”

So, the next time you reach for an onion, remember: there’s more to this humble bulb than meets the eye (or the tear duct). Behind those papery layers lies a world of flavour, personality, and perhaps even a hidden talent for stand-up comedy. Just be sure to have a tissue handy, just in case.