I write to you today, dear readers, with a heavy heart and a stomach churning with existential dread. For I have witnessed an abomination, a culinary crime so heinous, so utterly depraved, that it threatens to unravel the very fabric of civilization and plunge us headlong into the fiery abyss of apocalyptic doom. I speak, of course, of the unspeakable horror that is pineapple on pizza.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Oh, not this again! Another culinary curmudgeon ranting about a perfectly harmless pizza topping.” But I assure you, dear readers, this is no mere culinary quibble. This is a matter of grave importance, a battle for the very soul of humanity. For pineapple on pizza is not just a culinary abomination; it is a perversion of nature, a violation of all that is sacred and good.

Let us delve into the historical record, shall we? Archaeological evidence suggests that the ancient Romans, those paragons of civilization and good taste, considered pineapple on pizza to be a punishment worse than death. Indeed, the infamous Roman emperor Caligula was said to have force-fed his enemies pineapple-topped pizzas until they begged for a swift and merciful execution.

But the historical evidence doesn’t stop there. Renowned Renaissance artist Leonardo da Vinci, a man of impeccable taste and discerning palate, is said to have fainted dead away upon witnessing a pizza adorned with the unholy fruit. And even the great William Shakespeare, that master of the English language, could find no words to describe the horror of pineapple on pizza, simply scribbling in his notebook, “Words cannot express the depths of this culinary depravity. I must invent new words. Alas, even my vast vocabulary fails me.”

But perhaps the most damning evidence comes from the realm of science. Quantum physicists have theorized that the mere act of placing pineapple on a pizza creates a tear in the space-time continuum, leading to the inevitable collapse of the universe. And a recent study conducted by a team of highly unqualified experts has concluded that pineapple on pizza is the leading cause of existential dread, spontaneous human combustion, and the inexplicable disappearance of socks in the laundry.

Now, I know what the pineapple-on-pizza apologists will say. “Oh, but it’s so refreshing! The sweetness of the pineapple complements the savory flavors of the pizza!” But I say, poppycock! Balderdash! And other words that express my utter disdain for their misguided taste buds.

The sweetness of the pineapple clashes violently with the savory flavors of the pizza, creating a culinary cacophony that assaults the senses and leaves a lingering taste of regret and despair. It’s like listening to a choir of angels singing a beautiful hymn, only to have a rogue chimpanzee suddenly burst in and start banging on a set of cymbals.

Furthermore, the acidity of the pineapple breaks down the delicate structure of the pizza dough, resulting in a soggy, mushy mess that is an insult to the proud heritage of Italian cuisine. It’s like taking a priceless Michelangelo sculpture and using it as a doorstop.

And let’s not forget the psychological impact of pineapple on pizza. The mere sight of this culinary abomination is enough to trigger feelings of anxiety, nausea, and a deep-seated sense of unease. It’s like staring into the abyss and realizing that the abyss is staring back at you, and it’s holding a pineapple-topped pizza.

In conclusion, dear readers, I implore you to join me in the fight against this culinary scourge. Banish pineapple from your pizzas! Cast it out from your kitchens! Nay, cast it out from your very lives! For only then can we hope to restore balance to the universe and avert the impending apocalypse.

And if you happen to encounter someone who enjoys pineapple on pizza, do not engage them in debate. Do not try to reason with them. Simply back away slowly, maintain eye contact, and call the authorities. For you are in the presence of a culinary terrorist, a harbinger of doom, a person who clearly cannot be trusted with sharp objects or important life decisions.