Aries (March 21 – April 19): Aries, your insatiable thirst for adventure will catapult you into the death-defying realm of extreme ironing. You’ll be pressing shirts while base jumping, ironing trousers while riding a unicycle on a tightrope, and even attempting to smooth out those pesky wrinkles in your bedsheets while hang-gliding through a meteor shower. Your luck will run out when, while attempting to iron a tablecloth during a free solo climb up Mount Everest, a rogue gust of wind will transform your ironing board into a makeshift kite, sending you soaring through the air before crash-landing into a yak cheese factory. Your final moments will be a pungent blend of crumpled linen and startled bovine screams.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): Taurus, your love for all things luxurious and indulgent will lure you to the soothing embrace of thermal baths. You’ll be wallowing in bubbling mud pools, basking in rose-petal-infused steam rooms, and even attempting to recreate the Dead Sea in your bathtub. Your pursuit of relaxation will take a dark turn when a mischievous gnome infiltrates the spa and replaces the aromatherapy oils with a potent concoction of sneezing powder and hallucinogenic mushrooms. Your final moments will be a symphony of uncontrollable sneezes and psychedelic visions of dancing bath towels.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Gemini, your insatiable curiosity and love of all things quirky will lead you to a clandestine gathering of lederhosen enthusiasts. You’ll be yodeling with gusto, participating in competitive sausage-eating contests, and even attempting to breakdance in your leather breeches. Your boundless energy will lead to disaster when, during a particularly vigorous polka, your lederhosen spontaneously combust, leaving you exposed and bewildered in front of a crowd of lederhosen-clad onlookers. Your final moments will be a mortifying blend of Bavarian tradition and unexpected nudity.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): Cancer, your romantic nature and love of all things whimsical will inspire you to embark on a romantic getaway to see the Northern Lights in Norway. You’ll be cuddling under the aurora borealis, sipping hot cocoa by a crackling fireplace, and whispering sweet nothings into your beloved’s ear. Your romantic escapade will take a chilling turn when a jealous arctic hare, mistaking your passionate embrace for a threat to its territory, will launch a surprise attack with surprising ferocity. Your final moments will be a frosty blend of unrequited affection and bunny-inflicted injuries.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Leo, your love of the spotlight and insatiable thirst for fame will inevitably lead you to a Taylor Swift concert. You’ll be belting out every lyric, dancing with abandon, and even attempting to crowd surf to the stage to declare your undying love for the pop icon. Your attention-seeking antics will result in catastrophe when, during a particularly enthusiastic leap, you’ll accidentally trigger a stage malfunction, causing a giant disco ball to plummet from the ceiling and crush you beneath its glittering weight. Your final moments will be a chaotic blend of screaming fans, flashing lights, and a tragically unfinished “Shake It Off” singalong.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo, your meticulous nature and love of order will draw you to the magical realm of Santa’s Workshop. You’ll be optimizing toy production schedules, streamlining elf workflow, and even implementing a new system for reindeer flight path optimization. Your relentless pursuit of efficiency will lead to disaster when, during a routine inspection of the toy assembly line, you’ll stumble upon a secret room filled with genetically modified, weaponized teddy bears. Your final moments will be a festive bloodbath of fluffy fur and razor-sharp claws.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Libra, your love of beauty and grace will inspire you to take up the elegant art of figure skating. You’ll be gliding across the ice, executing graceful spins and breathtaking jumps, and even attempting a daring quadruple axel while reciting Shakespearean sonnets. Your artistic ambitions will end in spectacular disaster when, during a particularly dramatic performance, your ice skates will transform into a pair of runaway hovercrafts, propelling you into the concession stand at breakneck speed. Your final moments will be a dizzying blend of shattered ice, flying hot dogs, and bewildered onlookers.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Scorpio, your intense nature and love of strategy will inevitably draw you to the complex world of chess. You’ll be spending countless hours studying openings, mastering endgames, and plotting your opponents’ demise with ruthless precision. Your obsession with the game will lead to your demise when, during a high-stakes tournament, your opponent, a disgruntled grandmaster with a penchant for the theatrical, will hypnotize you into believing you’re a pawn, rendering you immobile and vulnerable to a fatal checkmate. Your final moments will be a humiliating blend of psychological manipulation and strategic defeat.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Sagittarius, your adventurous spirit and love of the unknown will compel you to embark on a quest to witness the spectacular beauty of comets. You’ll be gazing at the night sky, tracking celestial bodies, and even attempting to hitch a ride on a passing comet to explore the far reaches of the galaxy. Your insatiable curiosity will lead to your demise when, during a close encounter with a particularly mischievous comet, you’ll be sucked into its gravitational pull and flung into the heart of a supernova. Your final moments will be a dazzling spectacle of cosmic destruction and existential wonder.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Capricorn, your ambitious nature and relentless drive will lead you to pursue a career in the lucrative world of baked bean manufacturing. You’ll be optimizing production processes, developing innovative bean-flavoring techniques, and even attempting to create a self-driving baked bean delivery truck. Your relentless pursuit of bean-related success will end in disaster when, during a promotional photoshoot for your new line of “Exploding Baked Beans,” a faulty can will detonate prematurely, launching you into the stratosphere in a shower of beans and tomato sauce. Your final moments will be a gassy blend of corporate ambition and legume-induced liftoff.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Aquarius, your unconventional thinking and love of all things quirky will inspire you to invent a revolutionary new device: a self-sharpening pencil sharpener. You’ll be hailed as a genius, showered with awards, and even invited to give a TED Talk on the future of stationery. Your disregard for safety protocols will prove catastrophic when, during a live demonstration, your invention malfunctions, transforming into a miniature robotic velociraptor that wreaks havoc on the audience. Your final moments will be a chaotic blend of flying pencil shavings, panicked screams, and prehistoric mayhem.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Pisces, your dreamy nature and love of self-improvement will draw you to the meticulous art of eyebrow plucking. You’ll be shaping your brows into perfectly sculpted arches, experimenting with bold new eyebrow trends, and even attempting to create miniature eyebrow gardens. Your pursuit of aesthetic perfection will go horribly awry when, during a particularly intense plucking session, you’ll accidentally trigger a latent superpower that causes your eyebrows to grow uncontrollably, eventually engulfing your entire face in a hairy mass. Your final moments will be a suffocating blend of existential despair and follicular excess.