Ironbridge, Shropshire – The inaugural Ironbridge Ironman competition ended in unprecedented chaos this weekend as every single participant was disqualified for failing to meet the most basic requirement: being made of iron.

The event, organized by the Ironbridge Village Council, was intended to celebrate the village’s rich industrial heritage and its association with iron production. However, a critical misunderstanding of the term “Ironman” led to a series of unfortunate events that left athletes baffled and organizers red-faced.

“We thought it was a fitting tribute to our town’s history,” explained Councillor Mildred Crumbley, chair of the Ironbridge Festivities Committee. “Iron is strong, resilient, dependable. Just like the people of Ironbridge!”

Unfortunately, the council’s interpretation of “Ironman” differed significantly from the traditional definition of an endurance triathlon. Instead of swimming, cycling, and running, competitors were subjected to a series of bizarre challenges designed to test their “iron-ness.” These included:

• The Magnet Test: Participants were required to stand near a giant electromagnet. Those who failed to stick were immediately disqualified.
• The Rust Resistance Trial: Athletes were sprayed with a powerful rust-inducing solution. Any signs of corrosion resulted in disqualification.
• The Anvil Chorus: Competitors were tasked with singing a rousing rendition of the “Anvil Chorus” from Verdi’s “Il Trovatore” while balancing on a precariously positioned anvil. Those who fell off or failed to hit the high notes were deemed “un-iron-like” and promptly disqualified.

The event descended into farce as athlete after athlete was disqualified, leaving the bewildered crowd wondering if they had stumbled into a Monty Python sketch.

“I’ve been training for months!” exclaimed a frustrated marathon runner, clutching his non-magnetic running shoes. “I swam across the English Channel, cycled the Tour de France route, and ran a marathon every day for a week. But apparently, I’m not made of the right stuff.”

The event organizers, faced with a growing mob of disgruntled athletes and a dwindling supply of participation medals, were forced to issue a public apology. “We deeply regret the misunderstanding,” blushed Councillor Crumbley. “It seems we may have misinterpreted the concept of an Ironman competition. We are currently reviewing our event planning procedures and exploring alternative themes for next year’s festivities. Perhaps a ‘Knitting Ninja Warrior’ competition or a ‘Synchronized Tea-Drinking Championship’ would be more suitable.”

In the meantime, the village of Ironbridge remains in a state of bewildered amusement, and the local blacksmith has reported a sudden surge in requests for iron supplements.