Aries: This week, your impulsiveness will reach new heights as you attempt to bungee jump off the Eiffel Tower using only a rubber band and a prayer. Spoiler alert: you will become intimately acquainted with the Parisian pavement. You will forever be remembered as the pioneer of “budget bungee jumping.”

Taurus: Your stubborn refusal to acknowledge the existence of gravity will lead to a series of unfortunate mishaps, culminating in a head-first dive into a vat of freshly poured concrete. You will become a permanent fixture in the urban landscape, a testament to the unwavering stubbornness of Taureans.

Gemini: Your insatiable curiosity will lead you to explore the abandoned uranium mine just outside town. You’ll discover a new species of glow-in-the-dark earthworm, but your victory dance will be cut short by the onset of acute radiation poisoning.

Cancer: Your overactive imagination will conjure up a terrifying scenario involving a rogue squirrel, a stolen baguette, and a misplaced monocle. The ensuing panic attack will lead you to construct a homemade rocket powered by expired mayonnaise, which will inevitably explode on the launchpad, sending you to that great deli counter in the sky.

Leo: Your insatiable desire for attention will lead you to attempt a daring tightrope walk across the Grand Canyon, balancing a teacup and a spoon on your nose. The teacup will wobble, the spoon will fall, and you will follow shortly after, accompanied by the screams of horrified onlookers.

Virgo: Your obsessive need for order and cleanliness will drive you to attempt to sanitize the entire city using only a toothbrush and a bottle of hand sanitizer. You will succumb to exhaustion and dehydration, collapsing in a heap of antibacterial wipes, a martyr to the cause of hygiene.

Libra: Your indecisiveness will reach a critical point this week as you attempt to choose between a ham sandwich and a cheese sandwich. The ensuing existential crisis will lead you down a dark path, ending with you joining a cult that worships a giant rubber duck.

Scorpio: Your intense passion for uncovering secrets will lead you to investigate the mysterious disappearance of your neighbor’s prize-winning garden gnome. You’ll uncover a shocking truth involving a jealous gnome-napping squirrel, but your attempt to apprehend the furry fiend will end with you being buried in a shallow grave beneath the petunia patch.

Sagittarius: Your adventurous spirit will lead you to attempt a solo hot air balloon expedition to the North Pole. You’ll enjoy breathtaking scenery and make friends with a family of polar bears, but your celebratory campfire dance will accidentally ignite your balloon, sending you plummeting into the icy abyss.

Capricorn: Your relentless ambition will drive you to attempt to climb the corporate ladder by any means necessary, including sabotage, blackmail, and interpretive dance. You’ll reach the top, but your victory will be short-lived when your disgruntled colleagues band together and push you out the window during the office Christmas party.

Aquarius: Your eccentric personality will reach new heights this week as you attempt to communicate with extraterrestrial life forms using interpretive dance, Morse code, and yodeling. A passing alien spacecraft will notice your efforts, but instead of making friendly contact, they’ll mistake you for a hostile life form and vaporize you with their intergalactic death ray.

Pisces: Your dreamy nature will lead you to spend the entire week lost in a fantasy world of your own creation, populated by talking unicorns, singing vegetables, and sentient tea cosies. Reality will eventually come crashing back in, shattering your illusions and leaving you a gibbering wreck, forever haunted by the memory of your imaginary friends.