Salt Spray Bay, Coral Key – In a shocking turn of events that has sent ripples through the marine biology community (and likely annoyed a few pelicans), researchers at the esteemed (and slightly sun-bleached) Coral Key University have accidentally uncovered the truth about dolphin communication. It turns out, Flipper and friends aren’t quite as friendly as we once thought.

The breakthrough came during a routine test of a new, eco-friendly underwater acoustic monitor, dubbed the “Cetacean Chatterbox 5000,” developed by a team led by the eccentric (and perpetually tanned) Dr. Reef Montgomery.

“We were initially delighted with the clarity of the signals,” explained Dr. Montgomery, adjusting his sunglasses. “But then, well, let’s just say things took a rather…colorful turn.”

What the team heard was not the harmonious symphony of clicks and whistles they expected. Instead, the Chatterbox 5000 picked up a torrent of surprisingly sophisticated (and shockingly profane) dolphin language.

“It was like eavesdropping on a group of particularly salty sailors swapping stories at the local pub,” confessed a red-faced research assistant, who preferred to remain anonymous, “except, instead of tall tales, they were complaining about those “******* land-dwellers.”

Further analysis revealed a deeply ingrained disdain for humans within the dolphin lexicon. Apparently, we’re not just noisy neighbors; we’re also considered clumsy swimmers (“They swim like ******* drunken jellyfish!”), tone-deaf singers (“Their singing makes a ******* seagull sound like Pavarotti!”), and utterly inept at catching fish. “Those ****** humans couldn’t catch a cold with a fishing net the size of a house,” one dolphin was recorded saying. “They call that fishing? I’ve seen a sea turtle with better technique!”

“They seem particularly offended by our beach attire,” noted Dr. Montgomery, “One particularly vivid phrase translated roughly to ‘Look at those pasty *********s in their ridiculous neon swimsuits! Do they think they’re clownfish? Someone throw a net over those ******* eyesores before I lose my lunch!’”

“But the real venom seemed to be reserved for local fishermen. “Those ********!” raged one dolphin. “I’d like to wrap my ******* tail around their ******* boats and…” (At this point, Dr. Montgomery had to ask the research assistant to censor the translation.)

Surfers, it seems, don’t fare much better in the dolphins’ estimation. “Look at those ******* show-offs, trying to ride the ******* waves like they own the ocean,” scoffed one dolphin. “They’re about as graceful as a ******* manatee on a skateboard.”

The revelation has caused a considerable stir in the marine biology world. Some experts are calling for a complete re-evaluation of human-dolphin interaction, while others are simply investing in noise-canceling headphones.

Meanwhile, the dolphins themselves seem unfazed by the discovery. “They probably knew we were listening all along,” sighed Dr. Montgomery, “and frankly, I wouldn’t be surprised if they were deliberately insulting us. Those dolphins are crafty little *********s.”

The team at Coral Key University is now working on a “Dolphin-to-Human politeness filter” for the Chatterbox 5000, in the hopes of fostering a more, shall we say, diplomatic relationship with our finned friends. But for now, it seems the best advice for beachgoers is to smile politely and avoid making eye contact with any passing dolphins. You never know what they might be muttering under their breath.