Aries: Your impulsiveness reaches new heights this week as you decide to base jump off the Eiffel Tower using only a bath towel as a parachute. Sadly, aerodynamics was never your strong suit.

Taurus: Your stubborn refusal to throw away that moldy cheese finally catches up with you. You become host to a new species of sentient fungus that slowly consumes your body from the inside out, eventually using your vocal cords to demand more cheese.

Gemini: Your dual nature splits into two separate beings, each convinced it’s the “real” you. They engage in a brutal fight to the death using increasingly ridiculous household objects, culminating in a fatal blow from a rubber chicken.

Cancer: Your oversensitivity becomes your downfall when a harsh online review of your homemade cupcakes sends you into a deep existential crisis. You retreat into your shell, literally, and become a permanent fixture on the living room couch.

Leo: Your insatiable need for attention leads you to attempt a daring lion taming act… with an actual lion. Turns out, your roar isn’t as intimidating as you thought.

Virgo: Your obsession with cleanliness reaches a fever pitch. You attempt to sterilize your entire house with industrial-strength bleach, accidentally creating a toxic cloud that turns you into a human-shaped cleaning sponge.

Libra: Your indecisiveness finally does you in when you get stuck trying to choose between two doors: one labeled “Eternal Happiness” and the other “Mildly Inconvenient Room.” You starve to death contemplating your options.

Scorpio: Your vengeful nature takes a dark turn when you unleash a swarm of genetically modified scorpions on your enemies. Unfortunately, you forget to make yourself immune to their venom and become your own first victim.

Sagittarius: Your adventurous spirit leads you to explore the depths of the Bermuda Triangle in a homemade submarine constructed from a bathtub and some duct tape. You discover the lost city of Atlantis, but are immediately crushed by a giant, disapproving clam.

Capricorn: Your relentless ambition drives you to climb the corporate ladder at any cost. You finally reach the top, only to discover the CEO’s office is a portal to an alternate dimension where everyone communicates exclusively through interpretive dance. You are woefully unprepared.

Aquarius: Your eccentric ideas finally alienate everyone around you. You retreat to a secluded island to build your utopia, but your plans are foiled when a colony of hyper-intelligent penguins overthrows your government and enslaves you to operate their fish-sorting machine.

Pisces: Your dreamy nature leads you to wander into a magical portal that transports you to a land made entirely of candy. You gorge yourself on sugary delights until you transform into a giant, immobile gingerbread man, forever trapped in a world of perpetual temptation.