“Existential. Profound. Breathtaking.” These are just some of the words critics are using to describe “Le Fumée,” the Palme d’Or winning masterpiece that has taken the cinematic world by storm. And after enduring its 3-hour-and-52-minute runtime, I can confidently add another: “Butt-numbing.”

This black-and-white silent film from director Jean-Pierre Existential (seriously, that’s his name) is a profound exploration of man’s place in the universe, or so I’m told. For the vast majority of its runtime, we watch a man (played with stunning stoicism by Jean-Claude Cliché) smoke Gauloises and stare intensely at the horizon. Occasionally, he shifts his weight. Once, a fly lands on his nose. Riveting stuff.

Existential himself describes the film as “a meditation on the ephemerality of existence, the futility of action, and the profound ennui of being.” He also mentioned something about the “ontological weight of tobacco,” but I might have dozed off for a bit there.

Now, I’m no stranger to slow cinema. I once watched paint dry for two hours waiting for a Tarkovsky film to get going. But “Le Fumée” takes things to a whole new level. It’s like watching a screensaver of a man smoking, except the screensaver has existential angst and a prestigious award.

The cinematography is undeniably beautiful, capturing the stark landscapes of rural France with a poetic eye. But honestly, after the first hour of rolling hills and brooding skies, I started yearning for a car chase, an explosion, or at the very least, a subtitle card saying, “This man is really bored.”

The film’s silence is also meant to be deeply meaningful, forcing the viewer to confront the “void of human communication.” However, it mostly forced me to confront the noisy munching of the guy next to me who brought an entire bucket of popcorn.

Despite all this, I find myself strangely compelled to give “Le Fumée” five stars. Perhaps I’ve been hypnotized by the endless chain-smoking. Or maybe, just maybe, there’s a profound message hidden within those smoky stares that my simple mind just can’t grasp. Either way, I’m going to need a strong coffee and a chiropractor after this cinematic experience.