It’s a truth universally acknowledged that a gentleman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a yacht. And a speedboat. And perhaps a charming little dinghy for pottering about the harbour. But what happens when every Tom,Dick, and Harry with a few shillings to rub together decides to take to the water? Catastrophe, my friends, utter catastrophe!

The evidence is clear: our oceans are overflowing. It’s basic physics, really. Imagine drawing a bath. A sensible chap runs the water to a reasonable level, leaving ample room for a relaxing soak. But the modern world, it seems, has forgotten the meaning of restraint. We keep adding more boats, more ships, more floating gin palaces, until the water spills over the edge and floods the bathroom floor. Except in this case, the “bathroom floor” is the entire planet.

Now, I’m not one for scaremongering, but the consequences are dire. Coastal properties are becoming waterfront properties in the most literal sense. The good people of Venice might be used to navigating their city by gondola, but I doubt the residents of Basingstoke share their enthusiasm for aquatic transport.

And the problem runs deeper than mere overcrowding. The rise of recreational scuba diving has unleashed a hidden menace: underwater flatulence. Yes, you read that correctly. Legions of divers, exploring the ocean depths, are releasing untold quantities of methane gas into the water. This potent greenhouse gas rises to the surface, contributing to global warming and, quite possibly, the demise of countless marine species. Between the sheer weight of our boats and the noxious emissions of deep-sea diver flatulence, it’s clear that something must be done.

This brings me to a rather startling realization. For years, the government has been droning on about the need to “stop the boats.” I always assumed they were referring to those overcrowded dinghies carrying asylum seekers. But now I understand the true extent of their wisdom. They were warning us about this very crisis! The overabundance of pleasure craft, the unchecked proliferation of underwater windbags – it all adds up to a watery apocalypse. And frankly, it’s enough to make one long for the days when the only thing floating in the sea was a pirate ship or two.

In conclusion, the evidence is irrefutable. The rising sea levels, the methane-laden oceans, the imminent demise of the common starfish – it all points to one thing: we have too many boats. And until we address this issue, the future of humanity looks decidedly damp. Perhaps it’s time we all took up knitting instead.