Aries (March 21 – April 19): The stars are aligned against you, Aries. Literally. They’ve formed a vendetta and are plotting your downfall. Expect a rogue satellite to fall from the sky and land directly on your car while you’re stuck in traffic. Maybe consider taking the bus this week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20): This week, Taurus, you’ll develop an inexplicable craving for mayonnaise, leading you to consume an entire jar in one sitting. This will, unfortunately, result in a rather embarrassing medical situation that will involve the fire department, a very large pair of salad tongs, and a lifetime ban from your local supermarket.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20): Oh dear, Gemini. A flock of pigeons will mistake your freshly washed hair for a bird bath.While aesthetically pleasing, this will ultimately lead to your untimely demise as you are tragically trampled by a crowd of overly enthusiastic ornithologists trying to capture the rare “pigeon-headed” human on film.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22): This is not your week, Cancer. Avoid mirrors at all costs, as your reflection will develop a mind of its own and begin criticizing your life choices. This will culminate in a heated argument with yourself, ending with you being trapped in the mirror world forced to live out your days as your own evil twin’s reflection.

Leo (July 23 – August 22): Leo, your love of the dramatic will backfire spectacularly this week. While attempting a grand romantic gesture for your significant other involving a hot air balloon and a mariachi band, you will accidentally set fire to the balloon, causing it to plummet to the earth and land in a vat of lukewarm soup. The mariachi band will be fine.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22): Virgo, your quest for perfection will lead to your undoing. While meticulously organizing your sock drawer according to thread count and color gradient, you will trigger a dormant ancient curse placed on the drawer by a disgruntled sock-making elf. The curse will transform you into a sentient pair of argyle socks, forever doomed to live in the drawer you so painstakingly organized.

Libra (September 23 – October 22): Indecisiveness will be your downfall this week, Libra. Unable to choose between ordering pizza or Chinese takeout, you will enter a catatonic state, leaving you vulnerable to a rogue band of squirrels who will steal your shoes and use them to build a magnificent nut-based empire.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21): Scorpio, your intense stare will prove to be too powerful this week. You will accidentally lock eyes with a basilisk while browsing the herb section of your local supermarket, turning you instantly to stone. On the plus side, you’ll make a very impressive garden statue.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21): Your adventurous spirit will lead you astray this week, Sagittarius. While attempting to break the world record for “most squirrels stuffed in one’s pants,” you will be attacked by a swarm of angry squirrels seeking revenge for their brethren lost to the Libra incident.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19): Capricorn, your ambition will be your downfall this week. While climbing the corporate ladder, you will accidentally step on a loose rung, causing you to fall into a bottomless pit of despair filled with discarded motivational posters and lukewarm coffee.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18): Aquarius, your unique perspective on life will lead to an unfortunate incident involving a public art installation, a flock of seagulls, and a very large tub of glitter. You will be banned from the local art museum and forced to wear a hazmat suit in public for the foreseeable future.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20): Pisces, your dreamy nature will cause you to walk into a lamppost this week. While you’re unconscious, a group of mischievous gnomes will steal your clothes and replace them with an elaborate clown costume. You will wake up disoriented and be forced to attend a children’s birthday party as “Bongo the Sad Clown.”